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Submitted on
November 26, 2012
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If I’d disappear in the middle of the night
Like a silent whisper caught into howling wind
Forever out of reach, forever out of sight.
Much like a tree in winter I slowly wither – but do not die.

I’d be the fleeting smoke from your blown out candlelight.
Would you still utter words as I’m floating away from all reality?
As I find myself here and now, contemplating this fake suicide.

Will you be the escape pod that shoots me into a celestial sky, away from all those chains that shackle me.
Away from myself, my former me.. It feels much like dying, this change that I’m trying.
Perhaps you could cut me free from all transparency, from delusional thoughts and fake reality.
Tear me from limb to limb until you can tear no more.
And as this pain increases and everything ceases to exist, I’m reborn and break free from this mist.
Feedback and comments are much appreciated!
A little extra information : Yes - this is indeed how I sometimes feel.. my apathy is ruining my life and I feel like trying to change it is like killing myself.
As if I'm blocking out and removing some parts of me, only to be reborn, to be free and new.

1. What did you think of it?
2. Did the message convey properly?
3. What is your own struggle in life - do you sometimes lay awake thinking about it?
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:iconromeodescerises:
I like how you paced it; I love rhythm in poetry, and it certainly had one. Some things irk me, as a grammar nazi, though I certainly get the main idea, you have some funnily placed prepositions; in your last line, and AS... UNTIL, and IF, in the first line, without a complimentary then. Just some things, perhaps, to revise. So far as the feeling, (wow, I've never been asked to respond to that! Charming ) I remember a time when I did feel like that, though I've changed; ironically, I'm not sure how I feel about having felt like that. Sadly, I couldn't tell you how well the message was conveyed, because as much as it seems well enough, I accidentally spoiled it and read the description first! (What can I say? I like italics.) I lay awake thinking about many things, and as I ponder my flaws, I think about a very stark irony that there is in that. I find that, often, what somebody thinks is their problem, is anything but. Take, for example, that for the longest time, I felt that I was too stingy, a total Scrooge. But I've been told, (and without prompt, as well; I don't think they were only trying to cheer me up) that I, on the contrary, don't take enough time for myself, that I'm too often worried about what my friends want to worry about my wants. It's all in how you look at it, though. Nice poetry, I'll make a note to read more of yours!

(Sorry about the doublepost! Ad got in the way of me seeing the critique button.)

Now that this is a critique, I'll explain my ratings.

The vision and originality were sterling; I couldn't tell you that the vision was anything but, because it was introspective. It was incredibly original in that it pondered something not everyone wonders about all the time.

I felt like the technique could be improved in mostly a grammatical way; not just by replacing the odd prepositions, but by establishing a stronger message to the object. That is, are you demanding? (Cut me free!) Are you hoping? (Perhaps you could cut me free.) Unsure? (Maybe if you cut me free...) it could strengthen the reader's view of what you feel.

Lastly, the impact was amazing, because of the originality. It made me think about the topic alot. Though, I felt it was weakened by the unclear status of your conviction; are you so determined, that you're demanding this of the object, with bravado? Are you unsure? How bold do you feel?

Loved it, good work! Keep it up! :)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconshehrozeameen:
1. What did you think of it?

I thought it was deep - it was relatable in so many ways, but deep; which meant it could take double meaning, and hence had a two way flow to it.
2. Did the message convey properly?

Its a melancholic cry for someone to give the writer a listen - to hark at his weeping moans before he becomes a fleeting smoke from a blown out candlelight.

3. What is your own struggle in life - do you sometimes lay awake thinking about it?

To be honest, I become a variety of emotions: anger, hatred, agonizing disregard, and then just when it turns unbearable, I start weeping.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconwizardofunseen:
WizardOfUnseen Featured By Owner May 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Featured here--> [link]
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:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner May 12, 2013
Much obliged.
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:iconwaters11:
waters11 Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012
hey i like it how are you
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:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012
Thank you, I'm fine and you?
Anything happened lately with you and the Mr.Ozz?
Reply
:iconwaters11:
waters11 Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012
no nothing why? but i am good!
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:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012
Oh no, just curious what you guys are up to :p.
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:iconwaters11:
waters11 Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012
nothing, having some friends spend the night tonight. and we are all watching a movie. so what are you up to!!!
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:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012
What movie, if I may ask?

I just bought Infamous 2 yesterday, continuing my path of pure evil(evil karma - the demon of empire city).
It's nice cause you can choose to be the hero or the villain, but being a hero is such a drag :lol:
I prefer blasting everything and everyone who's in my way, saves time and effort :giggle:

I'm looking forward to playing it some more this evening, I'm currently at work - but work is yet to arrive :bucktooth:
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:iconwaters11:
waters11 Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012
pineapple express
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:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012
Oh god.. brilliant movie, have you seen Trainspotting yet?
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