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If I’d disappear in the middle of the night
Like a silent whisper caught into howling wind
Forever out of reach, forever out of sight.
Much like a tree in winter I slowly wither – but do not die.

I’d be the fleeting smoke from your blown out candlelight.
Would you still utter words as I’m floating away from all reality?
As I find myself here and now, contemplating this fake suicide.

Will you be the escape pod that shoots me into a celestial sky, away from all those chains that shackle me.
Away from myself, my former me.. It feels much like dying, this change that I’m trying.
Perhaps you could cut me free from all transparency, from delusional thoughts and fake reality.
Tear me from limb to limb until you can tear no more.
And as this pain increases and everything ceases to exist, I’m reborn and break free from this mist.
Feedback and comments are much appreciated!
A little extra information : Yes - this is indeed how I sometimes feel.. my apathy is ruining my life and I feel like trying to change it is like killing myself.
As if I'm blocking out and removing some parts of me, only to be reborn, to be free and new.

1. What did you think of it?
2. Did the message convey properly?
3. What is your own struggle in life - do you sometimes lay awake thinking about it?
Add a Comment:
 
:iconromeodescerises:
I like how you paced it; I love rhythm in poetry, and it certainly had one. Some things irk me, as a grammar nazi, though I certainly get the main idea, you have some funnily placed prepositions; in your last line, and AS... UNTIL, and IF, in the first line, without a complimentary then. Just some things, perhaps, to revise. So far as the feeling, (wow, I've never been asked to respond to that! Charming ) I remember a time when I did feel like that, though I've changed; ironically, I'm not sure how I feel about having felt like that. Sadly, I couldn't tell you how well the message was conveyed, because as much as it seems well enough, I accidentally spoiled it and read the description first! (What can I say? I like italics.) I lay awake thinking about many things, and as I ponder my flaws, I think about a very stark irony that there is in that. I find that, often, what somebody thinks is their problem, is anything but. Take, for example, that for the longest time, I felt that I was too stingy, a total Scrooge. But I've been told, (and without prompt, as well; I don't think they were only trying to cheer me up) that I, on the contrary, don't take enough time for myself, that I'm too often worried about what my friends want to worry about my wants. It's all in how you look at it, though. Nice poetry, I'll make a note to read more of yours!

(Sorry about the doublepost! Ad got in the way of me seeing the critique button.)

Now that this is a critique, I'll explain my ratings.

The vision and originality were sterling; I couldn't tell you that the vision was anything but, because it was introspective. It was incredibly original in that it pondered something not everyone wonders about all the time.

I felt like the technique could be improved in mostly a grammatical way; not just by replacing the odd prepositions, but by establishing a stronger message to the object. That is, are you demanding? (Cut me free!) Are you hoping? (Perhaps you could cut me free.) Unsure? (Maybe if you cut me free...) it could strengthen the reader's view of what you feel.

Lastly, the impact was amazing, because of the originality. It made me think about the topic alot. Though, I felt it was weakened by the unclear status of your conviction; are you so determined, that you're demanding this of the object, with bravado? Are you unsure? How bold do you feel?

Loved it, good work! Keep it up! :)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconshehrozeameen:
1. What did you think of it?

I thought it was deep - it was relatable in so many ways, but deep; which meant it could take double meaning, and hence had a two way flow to it.
2. Did the message convey properly?

Its a melancholic cry for someone to give the writer a listen - to hark at his weeping moans before he becomes a fleeting smoke from a blown out candlelight.

3. What is your own struggle in life - do you sometimes lay awake thinking about it?

To be honest, I become a variety of emotions: anger, hatred, agonizing disregard, and then just when it turns unbearable, I start weeping.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconwizardofunseen:
WizardOfUnseen Featured By Owner May 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Featured here--> [link]
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:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner May 12, 2013
Much obliged.
Reply
:iconwaters11:
waters11 Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012
hey i like it how are you
Reply
:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012
Thank you, I'm fine and you?
Anything happened lately with you and the Mr.Ozz?
Reply
:iconwaters11:
waters11 Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012
no nothing why? but i am good!
Reply
:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012
Oh no, just curious what you guys are up to :p.
Reply
:iconwaters11:
waters11 Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012
nothing, having some friends spend the night tonight. and we are all watching a movie. so what are you up to!!!
Reply
:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012
What movie, if I may ask?

I just bought Infamous 2 yesterday, continuing my path of pure evil(evil karma - the demon of empire city).
It's nice cause you can choose to be the hero or the villain, but being a hero is such a drag :lol:
I prefer blasting everything and everyone who's in my way, saves time and effort :giggle:

I'm looking forward to playing it some more this evening, I'm currently at work - but work is yet to arrive :bucktooth:
Reply
:iconwaters11:
waters11 Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012
pineapple express
Reply
:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012
Oh god.. brilliant movie, have you seen Trainspotting yet?
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconangelichope:
angelichope Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
Wow!!! The imagery in this is AMAZING!!!! Very interesting about your trouble with apathy, and a lot of things ruin my life, and if blocking or removing those parts of you makes you reborn, free and new, then I think you should remove them; I think anything that stops you from being those things don't belong.
Anyway, this is a very beautiful poem!!!
Reply
:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
Thank you, I'm glad you think so :dummy:
Your rainbow avatar is groovy :lol:
Reply
:iconangelichope:
angelichope Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012
You're very welcome!!!:hug::glomp:
And thank you; I found it here on deviantART!!:D:dance::airborne:
A very great day to you!!!:):):):)
Reply
:iconwaters11:
waters11 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
unique vision. people can't see things the way i do, but maybe that's the point. i just wish someone did. and now, someone does. i got lucky. sometimes i still just want to fade away. so i know how you pheel, i can relate. sometimes life isn't even the way you see it. so incompatible with your environment, everything around you. it can be hard, but 'hard' is just a choice. i look at the trees, sky, something peaceful, just so i don't fade away. into something i don't want to be. living on the edge, not having anyone there, and once someone comes along, and actually cares, you can see the candlelight brighten up the path, so you can forget the past. if that makes any sense.
Reply
:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
It makes perfect sense, thank you so much for these words :hug:
Reply
:iconwaters11:
waters11 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
it was no problem i know what you are going through
Reply
:iconromeodescerises:
RomeoDesCerises Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I like how you paced it; I love rhythm in poetry, and it certainly had one. Some things irk me, as a grammar nazi, though I certainly get the main idea, you have some funnily placed prepositions; in your last line, and AS... UNTIL, and IF, in the first line, without a complimentary then. Just some things, perhaps, to revise. So far as the feeling, (wow, I've never been asked to respond to that! Charming :) ) I remember a time when I did feel like that, though I've changed; ironically, I'm not sure how I feel about having felt like that. Sadly, I couldn't tell you how well the message was conveyed, because as much as it seems well enough, I accidentally spoiled it and read the description first! (What can I say? I like [i]italics[/i].) I lay awake thinking about many things, and as I ponder my flaws, I think about a very stark irony that there is in that. I find that, often, what somebody thinks is their problem, is anything but. Take, for example, that for the longest time, I felt that I was too stingy, a total Scrooge. But I've been told, (and without prompt, as well; I don't think they were only trying to cheer me up) that I, on the contrary, don't take enough time for myself, that I'm too often worried about what my friends want to worry about [i]my[/i] wants. It's all in how you look at it, though. Nice poetry, I'll make a note to read more of yours! :)
Reply
:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012
Thank you so much for the input and the :+devwatch: it's truly appreciated.
Reply
:iconshadee:
shadee Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I liked the writing but also found the content sad. The fear of losing oneself is there in all of us. I personally prefer to think of it as growth rather than dying and being reborn. There are things in my past which I was very unhappy about but I guess I'm too attached to even those parts of me. Not in the sense that I want to bring them back or continue them but in the sense that, no matter how bad they were, they were still paving stones in the road to where I am now. It might've been a detour through a dark alley but part of the journey through experiences which shaped me nonetheless. :)

As for current struggles, I'd say my social anxieties. And yes I do.
Reply
:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012
Hmm very nicely said.

Ah social anxieties.. they're a bitch aren't they?
Reply
:iconshadee:
shadee Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Yes they are. They're also incompatible with the Italian half of me which just gets pissed off at myself about it lol.
Reply
:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
:lol:
Reply
:iconyagamiseven:
Yagamiseven Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012
This is good but sad and kind repeadtive
Reply
:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012
Thank you :).
Reply
:iconbiga-nt:
BigA-nt Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Great work.
Great message
Yes - a stressful life!
Nice work - I have read it a few times. It really means a lot to me. :D
Reply
:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012
Thank you for the kind words and comments, they're truly appreciated.
I'm glad you liked it.
Reply
:iconbiga-nt:
BigA-nt Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
My pleasure! :D
Reply
:iconsahidenethare:
SahidenEthare Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012   Writer
I like it, but I'd like to point out this sentence I wish to blend, change, fade away – no longer be the deer in the headlight. seems a bit off in terms of the imagery of the rest of the poem. It felt a bit out of place.
I don't know, I'm no poet, but it's the kind of thing I tend to look for when I'm editing my novels. ^^;


I struggle with so many things in life, and yeah, I've spent nights awake. Sometimes, it'd be nicer if it would all just end, but then there's yet another day coming about and more work to be done.
Reply
:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012
On a second thought, it'd be pretty much possible just to erase that line from the poem, it doesn't really serve a big purpose anyway.. :lol:
Reply
:iconsahidenethare:
SahidenEthare Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012   Writer
Another score for minimalism. :lol:
Reply
:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012
I just had the stupid idea of having to add "deer in the headlight" I blame myself and my neurotic dear old me :lol:
Reply
:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012
Hmm indeed that does make sense, alas I have no other way of putting it ^^; but I'll keep it in mind and see if I can find something else.

Very much so, it's so hard to change yourself, it literally feels like I'm killing the old me in order to change and become someone else, a new me.
Reply
:iconsahidenethare:
SahidenEthare Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012   Writer
Speaking as someone who's spent many a day mulling over a single sentence in a 100000 word long novel: :iconiknowthatfeelplz:

Changing yourself definitely ranks amongst the hardest things to do. I've done it twice before, and I'd like to build on what I have now to become a better person now.
If only I had been able to change into a better friend. :(
Reply
:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012
Oh man, I can only imagine the terrible stress that has to give.

It's the first time I'm trying to change myself and it's slowly but surely working.. though I wonder how long I can keep trying until it somehow feels natural.
I'm scared I'll fall back into the old lazy me :shrug:

Care to talk about it? Feel free to note me, I'm always up for a conversation.
Reply
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