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poems I - sorrow, melancholy, and the self by shehrozeameen

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Submitted on
October 23, 2012
Submitted with Writer


8 (who?)

If my immortal heart wouldn’t waver with every sad predicament

Would the world still keep on turning, would it still revolve eventful and free

Would my heart, steadfast and strong, still beat in utmost harmony?


Its bittersweet duet of a bluebird’s joyous song,

Combined with the nightingale’s mournful melody.


If love could be unending, would it surpass the tooth of time?

As time itself becomes an unknown word before these vacillating eyes.

Would time still be a ticking clock, would years or ages lose its charms.

As eternity takes me into its arms.


My heart, my love, my immortality..

A curse, an ailment, an unending mockery.


As eternity would hollow out the heavy words,

Rendering them void and light.

So would my heart be burdened underneath this ageless time.

Love would lose its splendorous glamour, as it expresses its fragility.

The once eventful world, would turn no more, at least not for me,

As we become this world’s most pitiful anomaly.

I’d hold you in my undying arms,

As time takes you away from me.

I’ll once again bear this burden - of immortality.

Feedback and comments are much appreciated!
Questions to my readers :
1. Would you be willing to carry the burden of immortality?
2. Did you think the “story” was clear enough?
3. Do you think love would truly last forever?
4. What do you think are the other burdens of immortality?(Besides losing those you love?)
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I love this poem! I think I'm falling in love with your work, it's great. I like, especially, how the italic font comes off as more conversational, and commentary, as if it were spoken by the writer, and then the regular font proceeds as a train of thought. That's how I saw it, anyways.

I really like how you circumspect you are in the thought process, it really adds to the enjoyment of the piece. I also enjoyed the fresh metaphors, which I don't see so often, like "tooth of time" and "we become... anomaly", and the light personification of words as 'heavy' and 'light. Even though the personifications themselves weren't necessarily original, (the weight of words, heavy words, etc.), they weren't used carelessly, because it served the purpose of the piece by adding to the contemplative undertones and overtones. It helps to capture the insightful realization that, once time is no longer a boundary or factor, do things really matter quite as much? Does a word carry the same weight when, a century later, no-one will remember it? It's very well-done.

I give this one a perfect score. I feel like, often, in my critiques, I'm too easy on a piece, but I wasn't on this one; you really deserve it. Interesting idea, very original, magnificently done, and very impactful; I'll have to go through and re-read it sometime. Keep up the good work :)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

This is quite a fine work. A bit different from what I have previously read of your works but I think it works well enough :)

I like the theme and how you have managed the thought of being immortal and the italics add a beautiful touch, like it is the inner person speaking... one that usually does not come out. So a really good piece in my opinion :)

I would be willing to carry it :nod:

the story was clear enough... unless there is a lot more than I saw in love and the passing of time as one keeps on existing.

It depends on what love is for you. Some might debate that since the one you loved is dead, you don't love them anymore. Others may say that we love the dead and shall keep on remembering them (keep on loving them). A counter argument to this is that time will make you forget your love eventually.

Well there is no happy goal remaining... no goal actually. This is a deep discussion and so I won't go in detail. other than growing redwood and see if they live longer than you and count the leaves of it... well there is little to do. So, boredom.
What do you think?
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1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

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TobbieGurl385 Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012  Student General Artist
It's funny that I just watched the movie "Dark Shadows" and this has the very same underlying message of immortality being a curse. I really like this piece. It's lovely. It is touching. The message rings clear. Love everlasting being impossible... It makes you think. It makes you think about love. I really enjoyed this piece.
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Dark Shadows with Johnny Depp? A good movie indeed ;)
TobbieGurl385 Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Student General Artist
Yes. Glad you agree. :D
Green-EyedTiger Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
interesting way to express the price of immortality. I do unfortunately get lose here and there but that's just from punctuation.
1.)I'd be against immortality altogether as it goes against the flow of life.
2.)Fairly clear
3.)Depends on the person. One could lose a lover early in life but love them until they die and beyond in the afterlife.
4.)Watching everything around you continually change, being excluded from society for being immortal. etc
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012
Hmm interesting, so why exactly are you against immortality? Is it based on your religion or?

4) I guess you'd have to live a hermit's life.
Green-EyedTiger Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
For life to exist energy must flow and it moves in a cycle, going from one tier of life to the next until it returns to the earth when death comes. Immortality breaks the cycle and thus one's energy cannot return to the cycle to nourish the lives of other organisms. That is how I understand it at least
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012
So we are all but borrowed energy right?

Fascinating and a very nice look at life and death.
Now however if the immortal one would eventually die(decapitation, burning,...) then the energy would return thus reentering the cycle - no?
So instead of breaking the cycle, it's just a longer cycle or a postponed one?
Green-EyedTiger Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Assuming they do die. though borrowed....not quite. Energy constantly changes form, thus our bodies are merely a form of energy until we die, which also takes, converts and returns energy constantly in many forms. I suppose if someone were to be immortal, it would not be a considerable dent in the cycle. But if everyone were to attain immortality, the energy would not be replenished sufficiently as nobody would die, thus depleting what does flow through the cycle of energy.
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012
Oh I'm not basing this on the fact everyone would be immortal.
The world would be fucked over :lol:
Green-EyedTiger Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Pretty much:shrug: you asked if my answer was based on religion? personally, no. But in case you are curious I am pagan
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